If you ask a group of people whether they’re fully satisfied with their bodies, the answer is almost always no. We’re constantly worrying: Are we healthy enough? Thin enough? Strong enough? Young enough? “Enough” becomes a moving target, always shifting, always just out of reach....
Like the weather, problems affect us, but we didn’t create them, and we can’t make them disappear just because we want to. Think about a storm rolling in. You can’t stop the rain, calm the wind, or hold back the snow. It’s simply what the...
Facing a medical procedure—whether it’s a surgery, diagnostic test, or ongoing treatment—can stir up a wave of emotions. Worry, fear, and even past trauma can surface, making the experience more distressing than it needs to be. But practices like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing),...
A coherent brain is one that is operating as one network. On an EEG, brain wave patterns are even and of high amplitude. A coherent brain is operating in the present and has maximum energy available for the novel; for creativity. The brains of children...
In a dangerous situation without hope of escape, a strategy for survival is to blame oneself. It’s not fair, but it does have a kind of logic behind it. If you’re in a situation in which you have no viable options for self-determination, the next...
In a world increasingly characterized by discord, misunderstanding, and division, the concept of nonviolent communication (NVC) offers a much-needed balm. It’s not just a method of speaking or a technique for de-escalating conflict—it’s a shift in mindset, a way of being that fosters deep understanding,...
The Role of Therapy in Dealing with Chronic Stress Chronic stress is not just a fleeting feeling of being overwhelmed; it's a constant state that can significantly impact every facet of life -- mental, emotional, and physical. While everyday stressors are usually manageable, chronic stress...
Anger and abuse are different things. Anger is a statement of dignity and indignation. It’s a way of saying, “This is not alright with me”. It is intended to assert control over oneself and one’s circumstances. Abuse is the willful* diminishment of another person. It...
For any of you traveling this summer, I have created a tapping (EFT) video for you to use to prevent, or reduce, jet lag symptoms. For prevention, do this mediation every hour or two while you are in transit. If you already have jet lag...
This month I'd like to share an interview that I gave during mental health awareness month. It complements a previous blog post called You're Better Than You Think . Quotes from the interview: "What does it mean if so many people are willing to diagnose...
It’s tempting to look back on decisions about relationships, jobs and various other choices that didn’t go well and consider them to be mistakes. In reality though, it’s just piling on. You already had a hard time, now you are blaming yourself for it. We...
Brainspotting facilitates, and speeds up, the process of durable change. Have you ever had the experience of knowing how you want to be in the world, but then in response to a trigger, you go right back to the old ways of behaving? That’s because...
We hear a lot about how we, as a society, need to pay more attention to mental health. We are told about soaring rates of depression and anxiety. This has been an extraordinary couple of years and I see a lot more people who are...
The holidays are approaching and every year, some people live in dread of the season, largely because they are doing something different than what they actually want to do. Except last year. During quarantine, a number of people seized the opportunity to spend the holidays...
Why is it that almost all of the survivors of sexual abuse blame themselves? The answer is two fold: 1) They are encouraged to think that. Survivors are still blamed for what they were wearing, or drinking, or their choice of venue, or the company...
Recently, I was talking to the owner of a local shop who despaired over how rude and impatient some customers have been lately. “What people don’t understand that we had to go from 0 to 100 overnight. We are all understaffed.” Hiring and training takes...
I recently read a novel* in which a character makes a Faustian bargain. What he wants, more than anything, more than his life, is to feel like enough. And so, he trades his soul for a year of "enough-ness". And suddenly, everyone he meets wants...
Here’s a found poem apropos of this strange, and sometimes wonder-full, year. "For One Who Is Exhausted, a Blessing." When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic, Time takes on the strain until it breaks; Then all the unattended stress falls in On the mind...
You may have heard of EMDR and wonder what it is and how it works. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy was developed by Francine Shapiro in the late ‘80s. Her first publication came out in 1989. Since then, it has been demonstrated to dramatically...
I’d like to share an article with you that I have found helpful in describing our collective experience right now. In it, Pauline Boss, PhD is cited for the concept of "...ambiguous loss: any loss that's unclear and lacks resolution". This includes the loss of...
Life in the Time of COVID-19 There are a lot of invitations to fear out there right now. Besides the virus, people are worried about the election, the environment, the stock market, and on it goes. Even reading that sentence might have elevated your blood...
As shelter in place continues, it's understandably harder for people to feel motivated. But more often than not, people attribute lack of motivation to a character flaw. They worry that if they relax, they might never be productive again. Anxious and self-punishing thoughts present themselves...
Someone told me recently that he won’t see a therapist because he doesn’t want to get stuck in therapy for years. It’s unfortunate that he will miss out on the benefits of therapy, but I get it. More traditional therapies involve weekly sessions for years...
I understand the relief that can come with a diagnosis. It gives a problem a name, and with that can come a sense of validation and hopefulness about a resolution. There can be an unintended downside to mental health diagnoses however. Many people know about...
Are you ready to make a change? There are certain conditions that favor making real and lasting change. Are You Fed Up? You have to have a certain level of discomfort. A tipping point when you just can’t take it any more. Staying the same...
Is there a certain income level that you just can’t seem to break through? Have you noticed that when you approach that number, you start to mysteriously incur debt, or you spend frivolously, or you lose your job? For some people there is a financial...
Listen to an interview with me talking about how to bully proof your workplace.
Long ago, I was told that couples argue primarily about money, neatness and sex. In all of my years of working with couples, I can see that that is a pretty complete list. Of course, there are lots of sub-categories under each of those topics....
Last month, in my blog on workplace bullying, I referenced a phenomenon called vicarious trauma and I’ve gotten a number of questions about what that is and what to do about it. Vicarious trauma is the cumulative effect of witnessing trauma or its after effects....
Tapping, also known as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), is a well-researched practice for speeding up the process of change. In my work, I have seen the rapid resolution of trauma and anxiety as well as improved relationships with money. See this video for more information.
In my previous blog, I talked about the prevalence of workplace bullying. Across industries, 27% of people will experience bullying. That number is significantly higher in the healthcare field however. Why is that? Any organization is more vulnerable to bullying during times of change and...
According to the National Institute on Health, “Bullying most commonly occurs in the health care sector…” It seems counterintuitive. How could people in the helping professions be unkind to each other? Compassion, care and kindness are the stock and trade of people who work in...
Hear my interview with Duane Osterlind of The Addicted Mind Podcast theaddictedmind.com/43 Our guest on this episode of the Addicted Mind podcast is Lori Kandels, a therapist in the Bay area specializing in anxiety. Anxiety is often the result of trauma and can manifest as...
When you are stressed, your body produces adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. Your body is getting signals that you are in danger and the hormones of stress are preparing you to run or defend yourself. There are stories that go along with theses stress hormones and...
I have noticed a disturbing trend of people being overly willing to embrace serious diagnoses. Self-diagnosing with disorders like depression and anxiety are all too common. This is problematic for two reasons. It diminishes the experience of those actually struggling with these disorders. It also...
I mean it. Stop it. Letting go of attachment is a Buddhist teaching that has entered mainstream vernacular and it has suffered in the translation. I don’t claim to represent Buddhism on this one, but I can see how people are beating themselves up with...
Someone said that to me recently and I couldn’t agree more. Just say the word “money” out loud and see what comes up for you. Sometimes people just don’t want to think about money at all. They don’t know what they have in the bank,...
So many people are living with panic attacks. Anxiety is sneaky. Not only does it occupy your mind with future disasters and past missteps, but it also creates anxiety about anxiety. “I’m feeling pretty good right now, but anxiety could be lurking around the next...
Many people want to have more confidence, but they are daunted by common definitions of confidence. Confident people are always right, calm, poised, attractive… Confidence is framed as something you don’t have that you have to go get, like a better car or whiter teeth....
This video is a gift from Penny White, Michael White's daughter. I learned so much from Michael. He reminded us that all of our ideas are open to question. He centered people as the experts in their own lives and insisted that dignity be honored....
In the wake of the “Me Too” movement, I have received a lot more calls from people who have been subjected to physical, sexual and psychological abuse. It’s heartbreaking to know how common these experiences are, but I am inspired by the courage and strength...
You may be wondering why a therapist is asking you that. But if you are like most people, you think about money a lot. Are you under-earning or over-spending? Do you have a nice nest egg, but still spend more time than you would like...
Are you being bullied at work? It typically happens to the best and the brightest. Sixty six percent of those who experience bullying will lose or leave their job. It can also result in a host of stress-related diseases and complications. Remember that you did...
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It was developed by Francine Shapiro and I was fortunate to learn the practice directly from her. Why consider EMDR? There are more than 30 studies demonstrating that EMDR dramatically speeds up healing. It is typically used...
What is trauma? The term trauma is used to describe a range of events and responses, but for the sake of this post, I am referring to physical or sexual violence, accidents or natural disasters. Now, someone who experiences violence at the hands of another...
This is a compilation of healing strategies from people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Click here
I wanted to share a few quotes from Kaethe Weingarten's article on reasonable hope. "Reasonable hope is a humble hope. It allows reasonable goals to trump ideal ones. It is satisfied to do less than everything that needs to be done in order to ensure...